2001-01-03 - 12:11:09

Below is a letter from a "concerned" friend from my net buddies. Also my answer. My friend said:

Hey Bigstevo!!! What up?

There's one thing I have to know; why are you trying to "cure" yourself? And looking honestly at the subject, is such a thing even possible? I realize we come from different generations; yours frowned upon homosexuality, while nowadays it really isn't such a big thing anymore. For the most part, I feel like people my age have a healthy, accepting attitude towards it. They see it for what it is; it's not a sin, or an abnormality. You are what you are, friend, and I feel that laboring to change something as basic and fundamental as sexual orientation can only frustrate you. Sounds to me like you need to start hittin' some gay bars and meeting some cute guys!!

My answer to this friend:

Wo, baby. I guess you haven't read my diary, or you don't want to accept even the possibility of change for those who desire it. I'm married 35 years, with a loving wife, and I love her, as well. The fact that I am not sexually aroused by her, and that I am aroused by guys, is no different than many 50-something guys I know who are not aroused by their own wives, yet still get aroused by younger women. They, too, need to re-orient themselves a bit. It's called reality therapy. You're right about one thing: I DON'T know if it will work. But because of my situation, my wife, 4 kids, 9 g-kids, etc., I can afford to have HOPE.

One thing I do know is that even if it does work, and I can heal the wounds my father and mother may have inflicted on me, or whatever MAY be causing me to be "confused", there are those who will fight tooth and nail to deny that it is possible, because it may threaten their own excuses for continuing in a lifestyle that plainly is not working for them. Sure, I know and am friends with gay and lesbian couples who seem to have it working for them.

But what I have observed, even more since I have been reading diary entries (and, yes, I DO realize that people who feel a need to diary are already probably set up for failure - hence the need to express it), anyway the thing that I have observed is that neither gay nor lesbians are ever content for very long. Roughly 50 percent of heterosexual couples don't make it. That gets somewhat higher when they commit to marriage. Roughly 95 percent of gay couples fail in their relationships. Why do you suppose that is? Is it because they can't find what they want? What every human craves is connection, and the most satisfying connection is in a family environment. I am very lucky to have been born in a generation that "frowned upon homosexuality", because it "forced" upon me the blessing of a family. I didn't make the mistake my dad did. I held, played, and loved my son, some would say to a fault. Guess what: He doesn't crave male connection as I do! He got it from his daddy.

Well that may be only one of the possible causes of my attraction to my own sex. And it is possible that YOU are right. But there has been no real scientific evidence that there is any difference, genetic or physical, that I was "born that way", even though some small surveys have been done (by gay scientists, by the way!) that are not even close to being large enough to be considered scientifically sound.

SO, yes, I have hope. And what a ludicrous suggestion that I "need to start hittin' some gay bars and meeting some cute guys". When people are in a committed relationship (even gays) then sex is not the driving force in the relationship. When they are not, it becomes the only force, so thats why these relationships don't last. (Maybe!) I'm open - are you? (end of response)

Boy, in my dreams I would JUMP at the chance to try out some more man-stuff. But, then I can't seem to dream. And when day dreaming heads that direction, I redirect it back toward something that will not have the potential to destroy what I have.

I've told Adam numerous times that if I were to "go gay", I would be a real sleep-around whore. He hated it when I would say that, because he HAD what he wanted, he thought: A daddy that loved him! And I did. And I do!!!

But if it is okay to be gay, then all the rest of the things I learned from Christianity must be bogus as well. And then, if that's the case, I may as well do as many different guys as I can, huh? Just for the fun? Our so-called "Christian" nation now widely accepts casual sex, straight or not. So it would be no bad thing to sleep around as I desired, right? This is what QAF "teaches" (according to TV GUIDE, and other "folk" that I've heard from who have seen it. I never have.)

To me, my "hope" is comforting. Obviously to others, this same hope is threatening. Well, if it is, then it is entirely their problem not mine. I am not trying to force anyone to agree with me. I don't really even have anything to agree with - yet. I may never have. But if I do, I won't try to compel anyone to accept it. But please let me have my hope. Please? And try to be as "open" as you want me to be, k?

Aw, C'mon!
Please drop me a note

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