2001-02-10 - 03:52:04

I am really stoked tonight! For a number of reasons. I just got back from my last group therapy meeting. I'll tell about that in a separate entry.

Right now I want to thank three people who have signed my guestbook. No, actually four! First of all, Q-Scribe, for reminding me of all the people who read my journal. When I write in it, very often I am in a heightened state of , well, kind of emotional, and can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. I have in the past done it in word first, then in rewriting it, I could see how it could be either misconstrued or possibly sound harsher than I intended it to. If it were only for me, disclaimer notwithstanding, I would not be concerned. I know and can remember my intentions. I think I will do that in the future or at least consider more closely what I wrote before I let it stand in the journal.

Second I'd like to thank Lissa. Even though I am seriously homo-emotionally disoriented, I still am very typically a "MAN" in many ways. When I thought about what she said, I started to cry. How unfeeling of me not to consider my wife's feelings more than I have. No, we don't just get naked together just for the sex. It is comforting to me, and she really would be devastated if I left. But she would survive. But through all this turmoil that my SSA has brought to us, I have been SOOO focused on "me". Poor me!

I am so lonely! And that is true. But though I haven't been able to share with others who felt the same as I before d-land, and then my therapy group,I have been able to tell others as I felt comfortable with it.

And everyone that I have shared this part of me with has been very accepting and loving about it. I haven't shared it at work. I don't feel safe letting it out there. But I have told a lot of people at church. And they are the ones who are the best of all. That's part of the reason I have done it, as a matter of fact. I hope to educate as many people as I can to the plight of men and women who struggle and have to live secret lives because of otherwise caring people's misunderstanding and homophobia when this subject comes up.

We were discussing this in group tonight. Both of our leaders are straight (I think they always were) but they too can see the prejudice in the church. Even though the church leaders at the highest levels have warned us to be loving and understanding, it just takes too damned long for this kind of thing to "trickle down". Prejudice is a very hard thing to overcome.

Now, that said, my wife can't share her feelings about it and regrets, etc. with ANYONE. It's okay for me. It's not for her. How lonely and terrible must that be, to feel so alone and not be able to tell anyone.

She has said she is in this to the end. She knows my disinterest in her is not her fault, but as Lissa says, how must that make her feel? Thank you Lissa, for helping to open my eyes to this even more than they were.

Thanks also to the awesome Mr. Plutonium. He is so passionate in his feelings and then so wonderfully loving and humble at the same time. Those are very rare, especially when combined. And especially in one so young! I really appreciate your input and can feel your love.

And Chris. Sweet D3! You make my heart just melt! You know I have soft spots in my heart and my head for you! You're back! I can draw a full breath now, you sweet boy. You know I was concerned, and that I love you. Don't worry, I will keep on saying it like it is, but Q-Scribe was right to call me to task for being a little to cavalier with my words.

Funny thing is, Kevin (El Shrinko) was just asking me this week if I watered my entries down for the sake of readers. I had to admit, I do somewhat. But I also told him the same thing I just told you. I still will be truthful, even if I have to choose my words a little more carefully. Love, Steve

Aw, C'mon!
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